You know where you’re sitting by yourself in your room and you have that uncomfortable feeling in your gut. That fear about… something. You start thinking about your life, your future, what you should do to improve yourself, the choices you made in the past, how your life would be different if you didn’t do the thing you did or did them differently…
I suffered from anxiety for many years, it was impossible for me to stay a couple minutes alone with myself without ending up a different person than I started with. It’s like a downhill roller-coaster, it amplifies as time goes by. Just a vague, persistent, foggy feeling of discomfort you need to find an explanation for.
All this started to change with I first tried meditation. When meditating you have to clear your head by focusing on something, your breath or the sound the trees dancing in the wind or the sound of faraway moving cars, the idea is that whenever your mind wanders and you become aware of it you bring it back to it to stay focused. But how can I stay focused when I’m scared all the time ? So I stopped meditation (mentally) and went over all the things that might induce anxiety, analyze them and understand them so I can go back meditating, and that’s what I did.
Is something bad gonna happen to me now ? No, I’m sitting in my room. My family’s in the house. Everything’s fine.
May be I didn’t have any plans for the future and didn’t know what to do ? I was studying to get my BAC+2 diploma, may be I didn’t know what I was going to do after I got it, but it’s not like I needed to make a decision right away, so… I didn’t need to stress that much.
May be there was something I had to do at the moment ? No ! No one needed anything from me and I didn’t have to do anything.
What other things that might make me feel this anxious ? I exhausted all the logical possibilities. I really didn’t have to worry about anything. Everything was going fine. So why did I feel this anxiety ? Maybe it wasn’t mental, maybe it physiological, my body skhen 3lih rasso and made itself feel this way. In fact, after I looked it up on the internet I found that certain hormones like Cortisol can cause anxiety, it is increased when you don’t do enough exercise or don’t eat proper nutrition… My anxiety was biological.
When there’s a dysfunction in your hormones and you become stressed, you feel a need to find a reason for this stress and so you start thinking and coming up with ideas about why is it you feel the way you feel. What was just biological becomes psychological.
But why meditation ? Because in order to meditate properly you have to relax and lose control to the moment, and anxiety is all about NOT losing control. When you’re anxious you feel like you have to control everything, your family your friends the way you speak the way you eat… so that nothing unpredictable happens. When I tried meditation I was confronted with two opposites, which completed the picture.
The cure for anxiety is letting go.